With everything going on this week i have decided to discontinue this website through the end of October. Abby, i love you but you will never ever see any of this. I love you. Goodbye.
"Would have been could have been worse than you'd even know. The dashboard melted but we still had the radio."
Prayers for Gramamma. She held you, once. I wonder if you hold on to that memory like we do. Are you aware even subconsciously of that time? That magical michigan time? Unfortunately for all of us, Abby, your grandma may be gone before we are reunited. I do not boast to know what treasures our futures hold, but you may miss out on knowing an incredibly strong and independent woman from your unknown family. Your loss, of course, but reserve that anger for those who keep you isolated from the larger world.
"A name in your recollection, down among a million same. Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, and passed over when I've looked right through, see you naked but oblivious. And you don't see me." -APC
"And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain.
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder" -The Fab Four
I have a Tami-shaped hole in my heart and in the eight months since her absence it has not healed. This isn't the all consuming depression or a lifetime of regrets or my usual bullshit. This is my heart calling out for a name it will never see again. I am undone with this. I do not understand the landscape of my present. I am changed and altered by my job. I am different around my kids now because of the person I have to be at work. There is no balance, my counterpart that kept my compass true is lost. I do not understand so many things. This is a foreign world I live in now and while I am always quick to question my place in the universe, this time I am truly terrified. I see how cold the world really is and I had protection from that for a time. Maybe that's the best we can hope for; a temporary reprieve from the weasels. I'm balancing who I want to be with where I want to be but all of this thinking and praying is leading me to understand how utterly and truly alone I am. Ifeel a kinship within my soul, I'm aching to feel that bond that I know is out there. The chaos of work keeps me from feeling that but on nights like this it is all I can think about. The sacrifices made at the beginning of that relationship seem to be for nothing now. Anyone I meet now doesn't know about Abby or who I was when I knew her or what I went through. To them it's just a story. But there is ine out there who knew me then and knew my heart and she is gone gone gone. That's what hurts about all this. I am foreign to myself . I don't feel like embracing some of these changes. There was a future I believed to my core that could have been and I have a hard time accepting that it's over. I will let go. I will somehow. I will pray and curse and cry and work and bleed away my life's minutes until this ride is over. I don't know what my future looks like anymore. I don't know anything anymore. Maybe that's the point of all this. I believe I am being constructed for a purpose. I must stay still and let God work his will through me. But damnit if that isn't a hard enough task with everything else that surrounds me. Please show me more, show me hope again, show me life and something beyond a 24-hour diner on the edge of a truck stop for the rest of my life. Show me my purpose, show me I inspire someone and that all of this hurt isn't for nothing. Please, God, don't let me fall into despair again and feel how I normally feel. I need something different, I need something more. I need to sleep because it's 11:30pm and 4:30am comes so early now. One more day, one more shift, one more order and I'm getting closer to knowing where I stand with the universe. I hope someone feels this soul crying out in the air tonight.