Sigh No More

So a whirling disturbing 2 months have passed. While I feel terrible for not being here, it's simply been too busy for me to put any worthwhile thought into a post that no one is likely to ever read. My oldest son David moved down here from Michigan and it has been a full time commitment keeping his head above water. I never knew a kid could be so far behind in so many things. It's frustrating to think of his potential and how far he has to go to achieve it. I look at him and I see a 16 year old me and I just want to shake him, yell at him, anything to get that dull look from his eyes, as if he were deeply asleep. I felt inspired and alive when I was 16, but looking through David's eyes, maybe I was not as with it as much as I thought I was. If my behavior in my late 20's is any indication, I wasn't awake until 2009, which puts me in my 30's before I knew what was going on.

If I could save him any time and pain and wasted effort then I will feel like I have done something monumental. But he walks his own path in the end and it is up to him  to find the fire within that keeps him motivated. I cannot do everything for him, yet I feel I can kindle a spark that I see within him to produce something more than just another lost boy. Who knows what awaits us all in the future...

Lost in the Echo

I can't believe it's December already. I don't know what happened to 2012, it seems to have whizzed by and left us here at the tail end of the year. It's normally a busy time of the year for us and this year is no different. 

This is when I usually want to post about our hectic holiday plans or how Christmas brings us all together. This year, though, things seem to be different. The boys have moved back to their hometown, and while it makes me sad, I'm glad that they are able to be closer to their grandparents. I have reserved judgement about failing to relocate outside of that small town, but things happen for a reason so I'm inclined to believe that the Great Magnet knows what it's doing. My oldest son, David, will be moving here soon. He will be finishing High School here in Oklahoma as things haven't worked out so well for him in Michigan. I'm excited at the prospect of helping him succeed. Other than that, our schedules are full of long work days and a few nights spent together at home. It's been a quiet holiday season. I'm thankful for the opportunity to post my thoughts on here, but I don't see myself as having much time to put into this until later next year. 2013. It's unbelievable to me that three years have passed so quickly. 

I'm optimistic about the future, even though that first week in November had me feeling a little nervous. Knowing that the American people re-elected a man based on their desire for free stuff frustrated me until I realized that my life and destiny are still firmly and completely under my control. I've let go of my anger and frustration with politics and general and instead have decided to just live our lives. We can only control a small amount of things that happen, the rest is up to someone else. So, this short post doesn't really say much other than that I'm still here, still happy, and still incredibly in love with my wife, I am glad to see my kids when I can, and glad that I'm too busy to focus on the things I don't have.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas, Abby. I love you and hope to see you again some day. 

A Memory of Light

When I moved back to Michigan in 2009 for six months, one of the things that helped me recover the quickest was reuniting with a few old friends. I had talked to my friend Geoff a few times, but hadn't actually seen him since I left Michigan in 1999. Seeing him for the first time in 10 years helped me put a lot of things into perspective. While Geoff was at the top of a very short list of people I really wanted to see, my biggest coup was finally meeting Kitty again after almost 12 years of no contact.

Kitty and I were really close friends throughout high school. We dated for awhile, but the relationship worked best when we remained as friends. She was going through a very traumatic and personal event in her life, and it threatened to consume her. We had talked around the subject for awhile and when the Truth finally emerged, it blew her family into so many pieces, that when I would talk to her again 2009, her family still hadn't recovered, and likely never would. In that context, seeing Kitty again  seemed like facing one of my earliest and most painful mistakes. 

Right before I left for Michigan I took to the internet to find some old faces to connect with. I was living alone right after Abby's Mom left and I needed to find some kind of connection to who I really was. I had no center and reaching out to long-lost family and friends helped me realize the miserable state of mind I was in. Finding Kitty was relatively easy; she remembered me and was looking forward to seeing me when I came back home. I was home for a few days before I finally felt like leaving the house to see anyone. After spending the 4th of July with Geoff and his family, I met Kitty the next day at a park we used to go to when we were kids. 

Kitty and I had always shared a strange kind of connection to one another. We were born on the same day, at almost the same time, a few years apart. Her Mother was expecting a boy and planned on naming her Christopher Paul, but as fate turned out Kitty was born a girl and thus her Mother named her Kitty -Kitty being a nick name she picked up, not her actual name, of course. Beyond that, we shared the same mind on a lot of things. It seemed like a deep friendship that would last forever. Until the Truth emerged and Kitty withdrew from life. The Truth would have never been revealed if I hadn't persisted in telling Kitty that she needed to reveal it, and I felt insanely guilty since those days for ruining her life. As Kitty was disappearing from the world in reaction to that Truth, I began my cycle of poor decision making which led to me running away from Michigan. I wouldn't have an opportunity to see how her life turned out so I carried with me for a long time the guilt that I had helped create a situation that might involve the destruction of a really close friend. Kitty set most of those feelings aside when I finally saw her again in 2009, though.

She understood my concern but told me that if I hadn't helped her make those choices, she doubted she would have lived to get married and have a son. Her story was that intense and that horrifying. As an adult, she was coping, and I helped her at the very beginning of a very difficult time. She was doing the best she could and I was looking forward to getting to know her and her new family more. We spent a few hours at the park talking like two high school friends and then we walked across the street to the pizza joint and had a few beers. I had planned on being in Michigan for awhile, but needed to get my life together, so we made plans a few times a week, usually never for more than an hour. We were never satisfied with the small amount of time we had together, but we both kind of assumed that we would find it later, when my plans to return to Oklahoma were more advanced.  

The settling in never came as I went around and around with Abby's Mom. The decision to move back to Oklahoma came suddenly when Abby's Mom decided to revoke the communication I had with them unless I move back to Oklahoma. I wasn't prepared yet, but I felt that if I ever wanted to be with Abigail again, I needed to leave Michigan, however prematurely. I made a few rounds with friends before I left but I never got a chance to say goodbye to Kitty. When I moved back to Oklahoma, this time to Norman, Kitty's life had taken a turn for the worse and I couldn't afford to give her any attention as I was doing everything I could to focus on maintaining my relationship with Abby and basic survival. I think it upset her that I couldn't be the crutch that she needed, but I felt like a drowning man who himself can't save another drowning person. I put it in stark terms that I had my own priorities to focus on and that I wasn't going to be able to be there as a friend to her. It hurt me to say it, but I felt as if my mind was splitting into two between Abby's Mom's misguided efforts to pry me loose from Abby's life and my desire to understand more this new Me I was becoming. 

I failed at both in the long run, and while this blog helps me deal with the pain of Abby's forced separation from me, it also helps me deal with the understanding that I had to make some difficult choices which ultimately led me to here, the best point in my life so far. The past is easily reconciled with the present, there really isn't any doubt that everything happened for a reason and helps remind me that I should heartily enjoy my life, my wife, our home, our children, and our our lives together. For those experiences, I am truly grateful. But sometimes, I wish that I would have had the strength to help Kitty along and be there for her as I was growing into who I would become. Sometimes I pause and hope that she's okay, wherever she is. No one I know has spoken to her since 2009. 

This month marks the 2 year anniversary of the last time I saw Abby.

"If you see her, say hello, she might be in Tangier." -Bob Dylan

One Day As A Lion

I tried to hustle to get in an August post, but ran out of time.

As the Summer is winding down, our lives seem to be picking up speed. Not just school for the kids, but the job I've been waiting my whole life for is about to enter it's busiest part of the year. The weather is still warm, but it lacks it's usual molten enthusiasm. You can almost feel Fall's cooling presence peeking it's head around the corner. Any day now the leaves will turn brown and drop to the Earth and I will finally be in my favorite time of the year.

Football is beginning, which is always a reason to be glad, but this year Sage has decided to enter the Gridiron and put his skills to the test. He's had one practice and was ready to die, but he is excited about learning the sport that has the potential to carry him to amazing places if he puts his heart and incredible mind to the task.

Michigan is being ripped a new one by Alabama as I write this. I don't feel that this is a fair match up for UofM's potentially destiny-altering season opener, but that just adds to the excitement of the sport. The NFL will kick off later this week and will feature a grudge match between the hapless and over-hyped Dallas Cowboys and the plucky New York Giants. I drafted Eli Manning-reluctantly-in my fantasy football league but I have confidence that the returning Super Bowl champs can handle the half-ass efforts of Tony Romo and Co.

Adding to the awesomeness of Fall is that the best holidays of the year are now right around the corner: Halloween and Thanksgiving. We haven't decided on Halloween costumes yet, but I'm sure some of the Avengers and Batman will make an appearance around here. Thanksgiving will mark the impending demise of Fall, so thankfully that one is still a ways off. Between now and then, though, we have plenty of football games at home to watch, season tickets with the OKC Thunder, birthdays, spaghetti dinners, Czech Fest, and now (thanks to our new house) lots and lots of raking to do!

Until I see you again, Abby, have a wonderful and action-packed Autumn.

A Farewell to Arms

68 years ago today in the city of Warsaw, a weary and occupied people planned an offensive to repel Nazi Germany from it's lands and secure their independence before the Red Army of the Soviet Union could cross the Vistula and bring their own special brand of Germanization to the Poles. The Polish government had been in exile for 5 years while the resistance network within Poland had been diligently working towards regaining their freedom from tyrannical overlords who had been daily brutalizing Poland for no other reason than that the Poles should be scoured from the Earth to make way for pure German colonists.

The Home Army, under the command of General Tadeusz Bor-Komorowski, received information early on that the promised support by Britain, America, and the Soviet Union might not emerge or play a crucial role in Poland's uprising, but they moved ahead with operations. At W hour, the Home Army put into action over 5 years of planning. Citizens joined regulars in the streets and beat back the German occupation block by block. A city of over 1.3 million people leaped from their homes in the hopes that a few weeks of hard intense fighting would grant them the peace and stability they had been craving since 1939.

At first, early objectives were met; a concentration camp was liberated and all able bodied men joined the forces, a German arsenal was raided, and a few enemy armored units fell into the possession of Polish forces. However, as the Home Army eagerly looked to the East for signs of the advancing Soviets crossing the Vistula river, hope was smashed when the only reinforcements to cross were the small band of Polish soldiers led by General Berling who had been fighting for the Soviets. 5,660 men were slaughtered, wounded, or missing and General Berling was removed from his position by the Soviets for disobeying Stalin's orders while Germany pounded the small force to pieces.

Poland had been sold out by it's allies and now it was going to pay dearly. Entire neighborhoods were massacred. While the initial invasion by the Germans in 1939 had destroyed 20% of Warsaw, the systematic removal of the Poles from their home and the carnage of the uprising had brought the city to over 85% completely destroyed. When the Home Army surrendered, it was disarmed and put into concentration camps. In Wola, as many as 100,000 civilians were killed when elements of the Home Army blended into the civilian population. Of the 350,000 civilians who survived the uprising, 110,000 of them were sent to labor and death camps while the rest were rounded up and dispersed and exiled from their lands. When Soviet forces finally entered Warsaw, the secret police under Stalin rounded up more civilians and former Home Army soldiers and persecuted them further. No punishment had ever been so terrifying and complete than what had been handed to the Poles for simply occupying a land designated by Hitler to become a man made lake to feed irrigation to farms operated by German settlers.

Every year on August 1, the rebuilt and independent nation of Poland gathers in Warsaw to honor and remember the terrible fate it had suffered. An air raid siren goes of once a year while the city falls silent and still. Once a year, 1.7 million people put aside what they were doing and spend one minute to remember the collective loss they shared 68 years ago.

Somebody That I Used To Know

May ends better than it began. I've been too busy to get something substantial on here for the month of May. I feel bad but being productive makes me feel better. We've improved our lives substantially within the last months on many different levels. I feel sometimes that the better I do, the more separation I feel between my memories of Abby. Working hard and meeting goals seems to distract from my thoughts about her. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. The people I know would tell me it is good because this is what Abby would want, she would want me to be happy. She is gone but nor forgotten, but she is becoming a very distant memory. I think this is the way life works and if this is all meant  to be a part of a larger plan by some omniscient being, then I have no choice but to go along and enjoy my success. However, if this is all just a random pile of events that serve no greater purpose, then I am creating a purpose through my focus on other things.

This is a hurried attempt to get something in before May ends. I wish I had something profound to write, but I've always had difficulty writing when things are going well. My muse seems to be misery and suffering and I feel I've had enough of that to last two life times.

"We are in the business of kicking butt, and business is very, very good." -Charles Barkley

Harvester of Sorrows

I miss you, Abby.

I don't know what else to say right now.

As time passes I begin to understand the importance of making good choices. Sometimes I can feel the resistance of my past pulling at me. On nights like this I feel as if my happiness is a curse; a burden, as if I had to pay an exorbitant price for my life. In a way, I guess I did. I was given a stay of execution but I had to give up something very dear to me. I have to live with the memories of a little girl running up to me, her beautiful face one enormous smile. I know that those memories are all I will ever have of her. Those memories and a few pictures are the only proof I have that you once smiled and shrieked with delight at the mere sight of me. The photographs I have of you are safe and out of sight. I had to take them far away from me because it hurts too much to see them every day. It chips away at my soul when I think about it so I do my best to forget.

What hurts the most is that those precious memories, those emotions I keep bundled up in the back of my mind, have been forgotten by you. To you, I might as well have never existed. You'll have no recollection of me, no knowledge of the great love I hold for you in my heart. To you, I'm just an old man, one of the billions of strangers alive in this world. You'll never know the link you and I have and we will both walk in this world ignorant of how much we could have shaped each other's lives.

Those few memories will have to be enough because there won't ever be any new ones. I can dream of a girl I will never meet and I can imagine her abilities and difficulties in life, but I will never know them as I know the people in my daily life. To me, everything you are right now is just make believe. A poorly-conceived fairy tale.

Tomorrow I will wake up and feel happiness. Tomorrow I will embrace the world around me in eager anticipation. I will rejoice that I have been given this wonderful gift of life, but tonight it might as well be a dark and ash covered world for all I care because I miss you so much.