Mer de Noms

Over flowing with positivity, hope, and even faith this morning. I hope this day catches you in a similar fashion. 

"And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder"
-Alexander Hamilton



I'm sitting here tonight and I can feel the pressure of the past building around me. I have let so much love slip through my fingers. I have let my anger and hatred put vast distances between me and some very very good people. I have made error after error and now, sitting here tonight, I'm adding up the butcher's bill. I can't make the last year come back, I can't redo the last decade. I can only prepare for a future that I have almost no interest in. I can't fathom how anything in my future can compare to the light and love I have known in my past. This isn't meant to come off like I'm feeling sorry for myself. This is just me realizing that I have done wrong to many people and if I could have all of you in my heart again I would be a truly blessed man. I don't know what to say or where to go from here. I'm an old angry man and I deserve my isolation. If you read this frequently or just pop in from time to time, please embrace the ones you love in your life and be thankful that you have that around you. Life is short and sometimes it feels like its not short enough; believe me, you don't want to be the one on the side of wishing for less time.


Head Like a Hole

I have something within my soul that needs to be let out tonight. I don't understand it so I'm hoping to just belch it out in here and figure it out tomorrow.

I have a Tami-shaped hole in my heart and in the eight months since her absence it has not healed. This isn't the all consuming depression or a lifetime of regrets or my usual bullshit.  This is my heart calling out for a name it will never see again. I am undone with this. I do not understand the landscape of my present. I am changed and altered by my job.  I am different around my kids now because of the person I have to be at work.  There is no balance,  my counterpart that kept my compass true is lost.  I do not understand so many things.  This is a foreign world I live in now and while I am always quick to question my place in the universe, this time I am truly terrified. I see how cold the world really is and I had protection from that for a time. Maybe that's the best we can hope for; a temporary reprieve from the weasels. I'm balancing who I want to be with where I want to be but all of this thinking and praying is leading me to understand how utterly and truly alone I am. Ifeel a kinship within my soul, I'm aching to feel that bond that I know is out there. The chaos of work keeps me from feeling that but on nights like this it is all I can think about. The sacrifices made at the beginning of that relationship seem to be for nothing now. Anyone I meet now doesn't know about Abby or who I was when I knew her or what I went through. To them it's just a story.  But there is ine out there who knew me then and knew my heart and she is gone gone gone. That's what hurts about all this. I am foreign to myself . I don't feel like embracing some of these changes. There was a future I believed to my core that could have been and I have a hard time accepting that it's over. I will let go. I will somehow.  I will pray and curse and cry and work and bleed away my life's minutes until this ride is over. I don't know what my future looks like anymore. I don't know anything anymore.  Maybe that's the point of all this.  I believe I am being constructed for a purpose. I must stay still and let God work his will through me. But damnit if that isn't a hard enough task with everything else that surrounds me.  Please show me more, show me hope again, show me life and something beyond a 24-hour diner on the edge of a truck stop for the rest of my life.  Show me my purpose, show me I inspire someone and that all of this hurt isn't for nothing.  Please, God, don't let me fall into despair again and feel how I normally feel. I need something different, I need something more.  I need to sleep because it's 11:30pm and 4:30am comes so early now.  One more day, one more shift, one more order and I'm getting closer to knowing where I stand with the universe.  I hope someone feels this soul crying out in the air tonight.



Tuesday's Gone With the Wind

Dear abby,

I can only imagine how much has happened in the past few years. What is years to me is an entire lifetime for you. So much life in the spaces between then and now. I don't know you. I don't know what you hold in your heart, what you want to be when you grow up. I don't know who I you love or who loves you. I've missed so much. I hope this finds you happy and loved. I forgot how powerful hope and love and faith are. I'm saying a prayer for you tonight and know that I am one of those who love you for your spirit. Good night, abby.



A Feast of Crows

I feel the Black Wave coming again. The good tide rolls out leaving cesspools of half buried debris. A pressure is building from somewhere. I don't understand what I have to do to be rid of this menace. It's plagued me since I can remember. I'm doing the right things, I'm moving at a proper speed, but this cloud just will not let up! It's taken me a long time to realize it's cyclical nature and I know that it's something beyond me, that it's not ME, but a broken piece of me. It is overwhelming at times. It has taken a lot of practice to not let it truly get to me. It's just there, sometimes loud sometimes silent but always present. A part of me is thankful for the challenge, I have something to dash myself against, I can hone an edge for myself off it's jagged fringe. It's made me successful before and I see no reason why this isn't any different. I just have to fight through the indifference a little while longer.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."



If you have good times
And if you have good rhymes,
You may have found your one and only.
But then the one you like like
Says take a hike hike,
And suddenly you're lonely.
But still be glad,
Even if you're sad,
Take comfort just in knowing
You'll be ok.
It's Valentine's Day.
Your heart's not broken,
It's only growing.